Michael Tippett

CHARACTERS

“ORL”
Extraterrestrial being sent on a reconnaissance mission to Earth. Appears as a twenty-something human male. He has spent the last few years gathering intel for his mother’s interplanetary invasion. Everything was going according to plan…until he met Amy.

AMY
Human female in her mid-twenties. Smart, adventurous, full of life. Met her boyfriend, Orl, while travelling overseas. Amy thinks he’s originally from Tasmania; she’s about to discover he’s from further abroad. Over 2,000 light years further abroad.

GORGORROTH
Orl’s mother. Cosmic conquerer. Driven by an insatiable desire to wipe out all life in the universe. She can take many forms, although often manifests as one of her observer’s deepest fears. In this case, she appears as Ms. Babbage, Amy’s Year 8 English teacher.

FLOYD
Barista. Purveyor of deconstructed beverages and fearer of llamas. He is ultra-hip, uber-cool, and seemingly untroubled by the strange events unfolding around him. If he were any more laid-back he’d be asleep.

SETTING
Inner-city coffee shop.

TIME
Present day (also more than likely Earth’s last day).

SFX: THUNDER. CAR HORNS. SHOUTS AND SCREAMS. The sounds of a city on the brink of chaos.
It gradually fades as…
LIGHTS UP.

An inner-city cafe. The odd piece of vintage decor, a few mismatched tables and chairs. Everything has been painstakingly organised to appear casual.
ORL sits alone at a table, looking anxious.

AMY enters. She brushes off her coat and hurries to join ORL.

AMY
Have you seen the news? It’s raining cats and dogs in some places. I mean, there are
animals literally falling from the sky!

(AMY sits down. ORL clasps her hands.)

ORL
Amy, there is something I have to–

AMY
Snow in the Sahara! Cows giving birth to sheep! Fast and reliable internet connections!
(Beat) What the heck is going on, Orl?

ORL
I’m trying to tell you that–
(FLOYD enters from the kitchen. He saunters over to ORL’s and AMY’s table.)

FLOYD
Hey guys, sorry for the wait. I’m it today. Everyone else is totally frea-king-out about all
the kitchen appliances eating people. (Beat) Can I get you both a coffee?
(ORL glimpses at the menu.)

ORL
Seventeen dollars for a “deconstructed” latte? That’s downright phospherous!

AMY

(Thinking about it) Do you…do you mean ‘preposterous’?

ORL
(Thinking about it) I do.
(SFX: CLAP OF THUNDER. Loud. Close.
ORL flinches, eyeballs the ceiling.)
(To FLOYD) Could we have a moment, please?

FLOYD
You got it, amigo. Enjoy the amb-i-ance.
(FLOYD exits to the kitchen.)

AMY
Are you alright? You don’t seem yourself. Even with everything that’s–

ORL
(Abrupt) Amy, there is something I must tell you.
(AMY’s eyes widen. She pulls back.)

AMY
Oh, my god. You’re breaking up with me.

ORL
What? No.

AMY
You’re…married?

ORL
Of course not. Look, you’ll never guess in a million years, so I’m–

AMY
You’re from outer space!

ORL
(Incredulous) No! (Beat) Actually, yes. How did you know?

AMY
(Laughing) Stop avoiding the issue.

(AMY leans in. Her expresssion softens.)

Orl, whatever it is, you can tell me. We made a pact. ‘Until the end of the world’,
remember?

ORL
That’s just it, Amy. (Beat) This is the end of the world.

AMY
You don’t know that. Sure, there’s a lot of weird stuff going on…

ORL
I do know. (Beat) The truth is…I’m not Tasmania. I’m from somewhere further south.

AMY
(Confused) Antartica?

ORL
Much further south. Approximately two thousand three hundred light years south…ish.

AMY
What are you talking about, Orl?

ORL
Everything that’s going on. The disasters…the strange phenomena. It’s all to do with me.
(Beat) And my mother.

AMY
Your mother? You told me she was a competitive eater.

ORL
She is competitive. And she does eat. A lot. But the reality is she’s an intergalactic tyrant.
An evil empress who will stop at nothing to annihilate all life in the universe.

AMY
Look, I have issues with my mum too, but you–

ORL
Hold out your palms.

AMY
What?

ORL
Please, Amy.

(AMY holds out her hands. ORL rests his palms on hers. SFX: UNDULATING DRONE.
It builds to a FLASH OF LIGHT. AMY gasps, leans back in her chair.)

AMY
(Exasperated) I don’t believe it.

ORL
I know. She’s decimated thousands of worlds. Earth is next.

AMY
No, not that. (Beat) You lied to me. About everything.
ORL

I’m sorry, Amy. I truly am. (Beat) I was sent here to gather information on the human race.
What I didn’t count on was…falling in love.

AMY
I feel so stupid. How could I have not seen the signs? The way you mix up your words.
That time I found you sleeping in the wheelie bin. (Beat) Is ‘Orl’ even short for Orlando?

ORL
(Shaking his head) The earth translation of my real name is–

(GORGORROTH’s disembodied voice
BOOMS around them.)

GORGORROTH
Orlaxus!

(ORL scrambles to his feet.)

ORL
She’s here. You have to go, Amy. Now!
(FLOYD strolls in, holding a broom.)

FLOYD
Hey, guys. Bad news. There’s a giant U.F.O. hovering overhead…people in the street are
bursting into flame. Also, I know it’s on the menu but we’re out of kale cronuts. Sorry.

(SFX: LOW RUMBLE. The door to the cafe BURSTS open.
GORGORROTH enters, dressed as a stuffy school teacher and brandishing a yardstick.)

AMY

(Bewildered) Ms. Babbage?

ORL
(Matter-of-factly) Mother.

AMY
Why does she look like my Year 8 English teacher?

ORL
Phobomorphic generator. She appears as one of your deepest, darkest fears.

(FLOYD edges towards GORGORROTH, ‘shooing’ her with the broom.)

FLOYD
Hey, man, we have a strict ‘no llama’ policy here. You shifty little fellas freak me out.
You’re gonna have to–

(GORGORROTH points her yardstick at FLOYD. SFX: ENERGY BEAM.
FLOYD stiffens. His manner switches from relaxed to militaristic. He rests the broom on a shoulder like a soldier carrying a rifle and marches to stand beside GORGORROTH.)

FLOYD
All hail, Empress Gorgorroth! Queen of the cosmos! Ruler of us all! And competitive
eater!

(GORGORROTH gives FLOYD the evil eye.)

FLOYD
(Apologetically) I overheard them talking, Your Majesty.

(GORGORROTH circles ORL and AMY as she taps the yardstick.)

GORGORROTH
You’ve been a naughty boy, Orlaxus. Ignoring my transmissions. You never call…

ORL
I’ve been busy, Mother.

GORGORROTH
Gathering intel? Laying the groundwork for our glorious invasion?

(GORGORROTH stops in front of AMY and studies her.)

Or perhaps sleeping with the enemy? (Pause) Who is this…earthling?

ORL
This is Amy. (Beat) She’s my girlfriend.

AMY
(Gives Orl a look) Was his girlfriend.

(ORL frowns, lowers his head.)

GORGORROTH
I expected more from you, Orlaxus. Humans are so primitive, so…unremarkably fragile.
(Beat) You deserve a better pet than this.

ORL
(Earnest) I love her, Mother.

GORGORROTH
Ha! We are gods, Orlaxus! We were born to rule. To take what we want. What use is love?

ORL
She is the light in my universe that even the brightest quasar could not compete with. I
want only what she is willing to give. And she has so much of it, Mother. She’s smart.
Kind. Funny and self-defecating…

AMY
(Thinking about it) Do you…do you mean ‘self-deprecating’?

ORL
(Thinking about it) I do.

GORGORROTH
How very sentimental. Also pointless. This planet is moments away from obliteration, Orl.
Now, say goodbye to your earthling “girlfriend” and let’s be off.

ORL
Mother…no.

(GORGORROTH raises a sharp eyebrow. She takes deliberate steps towards ORL.)

GORGORROTH
No? No? (Beat) Do you mean…‘yes’?

ORL
(Thinking about it) I do not.

GORGORROTH
Are you saying you’d rather remain here and perish on this insignificant rock then
accompany me to rule the universe?

(ORL looks to AMY. She smiles at him. AMY offers a hand to ORL. He takes it.)

GORGORROTH
(Sighs) Oh, very well. You always were a disappointment, Orlaxus. (Beat) Enjoy your few
precious moments together.

(GORGORROTH points her yardstick to the ceiling. SFX: KLAXON.
A RED LIGHT pulses, gathering in intensity. GORGORROTH strides for the exit.
FLOYD salutes her as she passes.)

AMY
Wait!

(GORGORROTH stops dead in her tracks. She waves the yardstick. The KLAXON and
RED LIGHT fade. She turns to face AMY.)

GORGORROTH
Did you just issue me an order, girl?

AMY
Not an order, Your…Majesty. (Beat) An offering.

GORGORROTH
(Laughing) Oh, that is rich! Well done for making me laugh, I do so little of it these days.
(The cheer drops from her face) You have absolutely nothing to offer me. And as my son
knows all too well…I do not deal in mercy.

AMY
Your Majesty, what I propose is the opposite of mercy. A chance for you to increase your
influence and spread untold devastation throughout the universe.

GORGORROTH
(Hint of a smile) And how do you propose this?

AMY
I ask that you spare Earth.

GORGORROTH
I beg your pardon?

AMY
You said it yourself—you’re a god. And what do the greatest of gods all have in common?

FLOYD
(Tentative) Facial hair?

(GORGORROTH gives FLOYD the evil eye. FLOYD snaps back to attention.)

AMY
Disciples…worshippers. (Beat) As a divine force of destruction, wouldn’t you want those
who would honour you through their own acts of chaos and carnage?

GORGORROTH
And you think earthlings would make worthy disciples?

AMY
Your Majesty, my only concern is that perhaps we are overqualified.

ORL
She’s right, Mother. It’s in their nature to deconstruct things. They do it to themselves.
Their environment. (Eyeballs Floyd) Even their coffee.

(AMY shuffles towards GORGORROTH. She holds out her palms.)

AMY
Would you care to see our resume?

(GORGORROTH considers AMY’s offer. She then tucks the yardstick under an arm
and places her palms againt AMY’s. SFX: UNDULATING DRONE. It builds to a FLASH OF LIGHT.
GORGORROTH gasps, staggers back.)

GORGORROTH
(Awestruck) Exquisite. Such…raw potential.

(GORGORROTH composes herself.)

GORGORROTH
It would seem my energy is wasted here. You’re doing a damn fine job of screwing things
up for yourself. (Raising her voice) I hereby decree that all earthlings shall follow in my
image, sowing the seeds of discord and reaping the fruits of their own fiendishness.

FLOYD
And how should we do that, Your Majesty?

GORGORROTH
(Thinking about it) Just…carry on.

(GORGORROTH looks to ORLAXUS.)

Farewell, Orlaxus. I feel better knowing you’re in such good company.

(She glances at AMY before giving ORLAXUS a wink and a smile.)

I like her…

ORL
Goodbye, Mother.

(GORGORROTH exits. FLOYD blinks. His manner reverts back to its usual casualness.)

FLOYD
Oh, man, that was trippy. (Beat) That was one evil Llama. I knew they were up to
something, man. I knew it.

(FLOYD exits. ORL and AMY face each other. They hold hands.)

ORL
That was remarkable. You are remarkable.

AMY
She only saw the worst bits.

ORL
That’s all she ever sees. (Beat) You saved your world, Amy. Our world.

AMY
(Melancholic) No, I didn’t. (Beat) Where do we go from here, Orl?

ORL
I don’t know. But I do know this…

AMY
(Taken back) Oh, my god. You are married?

ORL
No.

AMY
You’re…pregnant?

ORL
Not that I know of. (Pause) I was going to say ‘I love you’.

AMY
Until the end of the world?

ORL
I think we’re way past that.

(ORL and AMY share a smile.)

BLACKOUT.